We all know that God hates divorce. I’m sure we’ve heard the phrase, and even perhaps had it used against us sometime in our process of divorce. And while it is very true that God hates divorce, it’s time to ask why and what does that mean for people who get divorced?
Why does God hate divorce?
In the book “Blending Families” by Jimmy Evans and Frank Martin, the authors present the idea that God hates divorce because it hurts those that he loves. Anyone who has lived through divorce knows how badly it hurts. It hurts each individual, it hurts any children involved, it hurts extended family, and it hurts God’s heart. We know His intentions for us. The bible lists them (Jeremiah 29:11). Even in the most toxic, unhealthy, or abusive marriage circumstances; divorce still hurts the people affected by it in some way. No one gets married with the plan to divorce. We stand up and make a vow before our friends and God to be together forever.
I know before, during, and after my divorce, there were times I was literally driven to my knees, crying out to God. My heart hurt. It hurt for my vision for my future, it hurt for my current self being in such a negative situation, it hurt for my children’s present and future, it hurt for my past self making the decisions that led me to that place. The pain was real, it often manifested in physical ways in my body. The hurt was deep. In many ways, that hurt is still there. It is part of what drove us to start this blog so that we could help others who have dealt with that pain as well.
There are some trains of thought that claim divorce is not harmful, especially in today’s society. And while it doesn’t need to be life-ending, it is harmful. It causes pain and disruption to lives and plans. Our children, even in situations that are dangerous, want to love, be loved by, and be raised by both their mom and their dad. Even when parents feel they are “not compatible” and choose an amicable divorce, that still causes pain to people both within and outside of the immediate family. Your choice affects your children and their relationship with each of you. They now are faced with having two homes, two sets of rules, two sets of expectations and if one or both of you date new people, they are now faced with trying to understand how this new person fits within their life. This is never easy for a child.
What does that mean for people who get divorced?
The best news is that while God hates divorce, He does not hate divorced people. Just like He does not hate any other sinner. Our God is a God of forgiveness, grace, and mercy. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes are conscious or purposeful, and some are more circumstantial and borne of ignorance. God forgives them all. Ask yourself if you have accepted His forgiveness?
In addition, we also have to forgive ourselves. Personally, this has required time with a counselor, time with God, and time processing through my past. I know God tried to talk to me about the direction I was going, and I did not listen. I have spent time reliving those memories with my current knowledge, but rather than condemning myself for those choices; I choose to forgive. In practice, that means understanding that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time, and in the mental place I was in at the time. I had unhealed wounds and pridefulness that didn’t allow me to seek better for myself. Sometimes that requires looking at yourself through another lens, removing yourself from the situation and pretending you are viewing it as someone else. Would you condemn a young child for making an honest mistake? Why condemn yourself for the same? You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now, you are older and know more. But at the time, you did your best. If you can accept that, it can free you in many ways.
Divorce is a death, it is a death of a dream. It is ok, and even necessary to grieve it. We have to give ourselves time and permission to feel our feelings of anger and sadness. Healing is a process, and it is an ongoing cycle. There will be times that it is harder than others. There will be times you feel as though you have moved on, but something brings up an old emotion or memory that makes it feel new again. Anyone who has lost a loved one will be familiar with this process. Your first marriage was important to you. It is normal and ok to feel sad over its ending. Instead of pushing away or delegitimizing those feelings, process them in order to move through and beyond them. Only through healing will you find peace in your future.
Crushing the Stigma
So how do we crush the stigma of divorce? While divorce is not viewed as negatively as it was in the past, it still can make you feel “less than” in certain situations or with certain people. I know that is a common feeling in the church. So how can we change this?
First, we need to understand that all of us fail, all of us sin, all of us fall short. Being in a blended family gives us the opportunity to be a model for God’s redemption. The entire Christian faith is built upon Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross to redeem our lives from the penalty of our sins. As remarried people, we get the chance to live a redeemed marriage. We lived, we made mistakes, our marriages died, and now with our remarriages, we are able to redeem things with new life and doing things in a new way. We learn and grow, strive to be and do better.
We can also choose to use our next marriage as a model for our kids. We have a chance to show them what a healthy marital relationship can look like. One of the drivers of my divorce was concern over what our relationship was demonstrating for our kids and the expectations they would develop for their future relationships based on what they were seeing. I now get a chance to model a healthier relationship. They get to see an example of a husband and wife loving each other well. Imperfectly, but well. Even if my first marriage could have eventually gotten there, the fact is that it didn’t. It took the divorce, making me work on myself and heal my past, to get to a point I could be in a healthy relationship.
Lastly, we need to accept that it is ok for marriage to be hard. Marriage is difficult. Even the best marriages have challenges and conflict. Remarriage is not exempt from those, in fact, I would say remarriage is all the more challenging due to the baggage of each partner and when kids are involved. Having a difficult time does not mean that your marriage is a failure. It means that your marriage is between two imperfect humans. It is easy to blame past problems on an unhealthy first marriage and to put hope in the next one “fixing” all of those problems. Reality does not quite fit into that. When you put 2 humans together (and add in kids), there will be problems that require patience and perseverance. Social media would have us believe that all the marriages around us are perfect, which is an illusion. All marriages, even the ones that look perfect online, have their challenges.
So, to crush the stigma of remarriage we must work through healing from our past, accept God’s forgiveness, forgive ourselves, and then choose to live a redeemed life.
