My mother in law commented on something I did one day, “it warms a mother’s heart to see her son loved well.” As the words sunk in, I imagined my sons’ futures, and how true that would be.
One of the reasons my first marriage ended was my concern that my boys would grow up believing love as they saw it: unhealthy and in many ways toxic was healthy or at least acceptable. I want them to have a model relationship of love and respect, so they will look for and demonstrate the same in their adult lives. I want my sons to love and be loved well.
I felt blessed and encouraged to hear those words, but the times I failed to love well also tumbled into my memory spreading the shame of hypocrisy in me. I knew I could choose to live in that shame, or I could use it as a jumping-off point for improvement. I want my husband to be loved well. In my boys’ future marriages, I want them to be loved well. I want them loved well, not perfectly. We all fall short. What can set us apart is how we respond to our failures.
So the question I posed to myself is, “How can I love my husband well?”
Here are some of the steps that helped me, and I pray help you as you learn to love your spouse well. I wrote these from my perspective, however, they apply to men and women alike.
I learned his love language.
We have mentioned love languages in the past, and they are a great starting point for learning how to love your spouse well. My husband’s number one love language is physical touch. That should be so easy! Touch him and allow him to touch you! But there is a lot more to it than that. Firstly, it is not natural to me. I come from a family of huggers, but it is a conscious effort for me throughout the day to touch other times. He has also explained to me what touch communicates to him, and I have had to learn that when we are in a tense discussion, reaching for his hand and allowing him to feel my touch relieves him. It helps him fight off the fear of rejection. It has been a conscious learning process, with effort on my part.
That alone is not enough, I need to know other ways he best receives love. I have learned through observation, trial and error, and conversation. I learned that he is sentimental when we moved, and I was helping pack up old notes and letters from decades past that he could not let go of and still brought him joy. So I know if I write him a note, he will cherish it. I observed the way that he reacts when I look at him with adoration. It’s like he walks taller and prouder. Some days that’s easier to do than others, as anyone married for more than 10 minutes knows. However, I recognize that the way I look at him and speak to him has power, and I need to wield that power appropriately. I encourage you to pay attention to your interactions with your spouse. Notice what brings them down, or raises them up. Learning to love our spouse takes intentional effort and time.
Visit https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ to take a free test and learn what your top love languages are.
I respect what he brings
Fortunately, we are both similar in some pretty tangible and fundamental personality traits. For example, we both value punctuality, we are both planners by nature, and we both have an unnatural affinity for the English language. There are other ways in which we are polar opposites or just disagree. What we have to do is acknowledge our differences and respect them. I don’t love everything that is different about him, but I love him enough to not resent him for being different. He does the same for me.
I also appreciate the knowledge and experience he brings to the table, and the way his mind works differently. He understands technology at a deeper level than I do. So, while it is nice to be able to ask him technology-related questions that help me with daily tasks or work requirements; I also let him know that I appreciate it and value what he helps me with. I tell him verbally, and I allow him to hear me tell others how much I trust and rely on his expertise. This action fits within his secondary love language of Words of Affirmation.
A big difference between us is how we spend our free time. My husband loves to relax by watching movies and shows. I tend to spend more of my free time taking a walk, reading, or mindlessly scrolling through my phone. I choose to respect his need to decompress in a different way from me, and provide him with that time and space, within reason. That last part, “within reason,” is where it can get tricky because our definitions of reasonable can vary. If it becomes a point of contention, then the next step is a conversation and setting, or adjusting, boundaries. Boundaries, not ultimatums! But because I respect what he does for our family in cooking, providing lawn care, and so on; I also need to respect his need (and right) to rest in a way that is relaxing to him.
I put him before myself
Full disclosure: this is my weakest step. I have not often seen this modeled appropriately and it does not come naturally to me. In fact, I often actively resist doing this due to hurts from my past relationships where this idea was used against me without any reciprocity. That past baggage makes it even harder to put my husband above myself. I have to choose daily how I want our relationship to be, despite my choices in the past, despite what anyone from a previous relationship would say about it, despite how I feel in the moment.
That being said, I strive to do this because I know it is the right thing to do. I also work for it because I have a spouse who is also working to do this. In practice, this looks like choosing connection when I don’t feel like it. This looks like fulfilling what I said I would do when I felt more energetic than I do now. This looks like choosing to reach out and touch him when I pass by during a busy time, because I know it makes him feel loved. This looks like forgiving him. This looks like setting aside some of my limited down time to connect with him, even for a few minutes, because I know it is important to him. This looks like considering his feelings before saying what is on my mind, and choosing my words carefully. This looks like doing the dishes after he cooks, not because I want to, but because we are a team and if he did the work for cooking I should lessen his load and help with cleaning.
I don’t give up
I will do these things well for a while, and then massively fail. When I feel that disconnect, I know that I can start with implementing these things again. The key is persistence. Just because I failed one day, does not mean that I should give up the following day.
Also, just because I did not do these things in my previous relationships, does not mean that I cannot grow and mature to start doing them now. I know I have learned to do some of the things that would have benefitted my first marriage. I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, and my ex-spouse was doing some of the things in a new relationship I asked for or desired, it would hurt. Why can he do it for her, but he couldn’t do it for me? This is a hard reality to face, and in turning that back on myself it is important that I give myself grace and forgiveness. I did the best I could with the knowledge and maturity I had at that time. I am allowed to learn and grow – in fact, a healthy person must grow and mature! Just because I didn’t do something that would have been positive in my previous relationship, does not mean that I should actively choose to not do it now. Choose to grow.
Every day we make choices of how to interact with our spouse and our children. Every day is a new day to fix mistakes and to avoid making new ones. It doesn’t always work out. I have to choose to forgive myself, and give myself permission to move forward. I choose to accept my imperfections, and not use them as a crutch to never get better, but as motivation to work towards improvement.
I work on myself and encourage him to work on himself
Two years ago, I mentioned to my husband I had a goal of running a half marathon within 3 years from that time. He asked me why I was setting the goal for such a long time frame, and encouraged me to start sooner. He supported my training, even though it meant hours away from him. He even came out on that cool, rainy morning to cheer me on as I eventually crossed the finish line. His love for me encompasses the person I am now, as well as all the future potential versions of me.
Hopefully, what you are doing to work on yourself to grow and mature is for your benefit as an individual as well as for the benefit of your relationship and family. Our relationship can only be as healthy as the people involved in it. My husband wants me to be mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy; and I want the same for him. So, I work on those aspects of myself for the benefit of all of us. If I learn and become better at my job, it impacts my confidence and overflows into my life at home. If I read a book and apply the knowledge of how to be a better communicator, I am better at communicating as a wife and mother as well. If I go to counseling to deal with a wound from my past, I come back to my family with more wholeness, which allows me to be better for my family.
I seek learning and growth in our relationship through reading, podcasts, mentorship, counseling, and prayer. I work to improve things I am weak in. For example, I do not like to pray aloud. I did not grow up praying personal prayers aloud, only memorized prayers. I am working to get over that mental hurdle because I know it will grow me spiritually and emotionally, and it will end up deepening our connection to each other.
I encourage these things in my spouse as well. I pass on articles and information to him. When he is interested in something that will help him grow, I do my best to encourage it. I do this because, along with my own health, his level of health and wholeness will affect our relationship as well. I want him to be the best he can be, so that we can be better together. At the end of the day, the only person I have control over is myself. If I choose to feed myself spiritually and emotionally, and work on myself physically and mentally, I can make changes that improve my relationship. It is my choice, every day.
