This is a continuation of our takeaways from the 2020 Blended & Blessed marriage conference. Click HERE for part 1
Ron Deal
Blended Families have varying definitions of what love is and looks like. The love of a step-parent is different from the love of a biological parent. The love of a step-sibling is fundamentally different from that of a blood sibling. When expectations are not met it leads to frustration, anger, conflict, resentment, or jealousy.
When 2 adults are marrying, they have high motivation for love. The children have varied motivations. They can be open to it, or closed to it, or somewhere in between. There are so many interconnections between a blended family, and all members are connected in some way: bio parent, step-parent, one or more ex-spouses, child relationships to each parent and step-parent, and child relationships to blood or step-siblings, etc. These connections can be strong or weak, warm or cool. In addition, other family members’ relationships with each other can affect how strong or weak the connections of the kids to their step-families.
As a step-parent, it is important to pursue the step-child in the relationship at the child’s pace. You will need to start with a friendly, loving relationship with the child. Ron likened it to meeting a new neighbor. When a new neighbor moves in, and you go knock on their door. You cannot immediately give them a huge hug and walk into their house and start poking in their fridge. But, you can have a conversation on the doorstep. The next time you visit, they may invite you in. If not, you can have another conversation on the doorstep. It is about building trust until they are willing to open the door further. Step-parents will need to do the same with the children. Step-parents should create opportunities and be intentional about interacting with their step-children, but not force it to move too fast. It will be a better and stronger relationship if it is allowed to develop organically and at the pace the child feels safe and comfortable moving.
As far as the childrens’ love languages, you will have to understand some love languages are more intense than others, such as quality time and physical touch. These languages are often too intense to move into at the beginning of the relationship. The other 3, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gift giving, have a lower intensity and are easier to implement. However, it will not build a relationship overnight, and it still needs to be approached at the child’s pace. For example, with words of affirmation, a first level 1 step may be to compliment something the child did. Level 2 may be to say that you love something about them or make a connection to something that they are. Level 3 may be saying that you love them and that they are important to you. Sometimes, these may regress some, especially in times of stress or grief. It is natural to need to back off a little temporarily or to take a step back on the levels of showing the child love.
To help your step-kids move towards you, it is important for you to bless their relationship with their bio-parents, including the ex-spouse. This helps the children feel like you are not trying to replace their other parent, and that you are supportive of them and of their natural love for that parent. It takes time for these relationships to develop, and they are very complex. Be persistent and be patient.
In our next post we will share some takeaways from Laura Petherbridge’s presentation…Stay Tuned!
