This is a continuation of our takeaways from the 2020 Blended & Blessed marriage conference. Click HERE for part 1 and HERE for part 2
Laura Petherbridge – Leading with Love
Step parenting can teach you to love like Jesus, it requires you to love even if you’ll get no love in return. This requires you to choose that path. You should start by partnering with your spouse and remembering that they are not your enemy. What you think is respectful or responsible behavior may be different from what your spouse thinks. Since you are blending, there is a history there that is already established. A bioparent sees their child through a lense of love, a step parent sees the child through a lense of responsibility (mixed with love). Let Jesus transform your mind. The kids are not yours, and you are not their parent. Your job is to partner with your spouse and let go of control. The bioparent must be the one to set rules, boundaries, and consequences while you step back, especially in the beginning. You have to allow God to be in control of teaching your spouse to be the parent God wants. You can still have boundaries for yourself, you should not be a doormat. But become a united team, and give it time and commitment.
Secondly, find ways to pursue your step children. Engage with them in activities that they enjoy. Encourage them in what they do. Show interest in the things they care about. Compliment them when they do something well. All of this will lead you to love like Jesus. You will have to do what the kids need rather than what you want. And avoid saying anything negative things about your step-children’s other parent because it hurts their hearts and pushes them away from you. Let the relationship happen naturally, rather than forcing it.
As you allow it to happen naturally, you cannot rush it. You will not become an instant family, the children will not view you as part of their inner circle right away. Don’t feel hurt when they don’t see you as that right away. It isn’t a direct attack on you. They are living between 2 different worlds and trying to make sense of it all. Step children often see remarriage as taking their parent away because they get less time with that parent. Lower the chance for resentment by trying to allow each spouse to maintain some one on one time with their bio children.
Next, you need to have patience. Sudden changes like new foods, rules, traditions, ways of doing things can be difficult for the children. The bio-parent needs to be the one to step in and explain to the kids what changes will be made and why. The changes need to be implemented slowly and within reason. A common step-parent mistake is when they go in and start parenting more than the bio parent. That does not build a bridge. Your authority is given to you by the bioparent. If the bioparent does not give that authority to the step-parent, that is a marriage problem. As an adult in the home, you should be seen as an authority figure. In the end, you need to choose to let go of some things and be careful about what hill you’re willing to die on.
Learning all of this and making these changes takes time and effort. It is not natural, but it is a part of your commitment to your spouse. It is not your job to change your spouse or your stepchildren. Your job is to become like Christ, love like Him, and let him transform your mind and love through you.
In our next post we will share some takeaways from Bill Butterworth’s presentation…Stay Tuned!
