In this year 2020, all of our lives have taken a turn we did not expect, and for some, a turn you were not prepared for. This pandemic has affected nearly everyone’s lives in some way or another. For some, it has been a loss of income, and for others a shift in how they are expected to do their job. Some of you have family or friends who are sick, and some are personally ill.
With the stay-at-home orders present in so many places around the world, there are couples and families who are spending more time together than perhaps ever before. On social media, we have seen many people share how this time has caused painful struggles and challenges in their families that are not going well. We are seeing relationships faced with overwhelming difficulties, extraordinary stress, and unprecedented choices.
What we want to share with you is a different perspective on the situation you are facing today. A few days ago, we were attending an online marriage event, and one of the speakers shared a profound point that I felt compelled to share with those reading here. The idea was that COVID-19 is not destroying marriages and relationships, instead, it is showing people the cracks within their relationship foundations.
Hearing this made me pause and think about my own relationship, as well as other married couples’ relationships. The effects of COVID-19 are definitely forcing relationships into closer proximity than many have ever experienced. With work schedules, appointments, sports, kids’ after-school activities, and all the work of simply raising kids; our regular routine can leave very little time for intimacy and connection between one another. When those things suddenly got canceled we were all forced into a way of living without all of the distractions. Now, more than ever, we must rely upon whatever foundation we have built as we face conflicts and emotional challenges of having our world shrunk to the size of our house. Working from home, kids schooling at home simultaneously, spouses together non-stop, and limited ability for respite from it all.
Shortly after the TP shortage, and as people started to prepare for the seemingly inevitable stay-at-home orders, we went to our local grocery store. We weren’t trying to “stock up” as much as we are planners and work to plan out meals 1-2 weeks in advance. What should have been an ordinary trip to buy those items for our family of 6 turned into an adventure into a different world. For the first time in our lives, we experienced true scarcity. The store displayed more empty shelves than merchandise. There were full aisles with nothing but bare shelves. While we were there, we also felt an overwhelming sense of fear in the atmosphere. We didn’t walk into the store in a state of fear or panic, as some people had, but the air felt thick with it. It was oppressive and soon we felt it manipulating our thoughts and emotions. We are normally good at sticking to our planned grocery list for our meal planning. In this new atmosphere of fear, the lack of items made us question our list and make purchases we would normally have waited to make. If there was only one of a certain item on the shelf, we started asking if we should get it, just in case we can’t in the near future.
Fear is a battle for many of us, even on good days; but the new level of fear we are seeing is contagious and rampant within our society in this new normal we are experiencing today. There are many things happening to us and around us that can bring fear into our lives. As part of a couple, when one of you feels fear, it can be incredibly contagious to your spouse, and even more so to your children. They sense your fear, they feel it coming from you, and they also experience it themselves. It is important that we give honest answers to our children about our world right now, but that we do not let fear overtake us and influence them.
We can view the COVID-19 pandemic in its myriad negative effects like lack, instability, pressure, and focus on what we are missing; or we can shift our perspective. We can use this time to reflect, be vulnerable, and be brave. We can use it to learn what is important to us and what we want our lives to look like in the future.
This pressure we are all in right now will reveal the foundation of your marriage. Perhaps you’ll discover a strong foundation with some small cracks and chips. Some may find a much greater revelation of the crevices and faults within your marriage. Either way, we will be faced with a choice and an opportunity.
The choice is to address those cracks and faults; or we can attempt to bury them, to distract ourselves from them, to hide them from ourselves and others in hopes they will fix themselves when the world goes back to “normal.” The things that rise up during a storm in our lives will never resolve themselves nor magically disappear when the storm ends. They were there before the storm, and if not dealt with, they will be there after the storm. The storm simply revealed them to you. The reality is, we are not weathering a typical storm; this is like a massive hurricane upending our lives. However, if you choose not to deal with what is revealed through this, there is a good chance later that even a smaller storm, even a little downpour, might cause catastrophic damage.
If you are like us, this storm is most likely revealing things to you. It is important to remember what you can and what you cannot affect. You have the power to change yourself, and yourself only. You cannot change the virus, the stay-at-home orders, or the immediate effects of those. You cannot change your spouse or your children, but you can influence them. The good news is that goodness, mercy, compassion, and empathy are all as contagious as fear. As you begin showing goodness towards your spouse and your kids, that will spread to them. It may not fully replace their other emotions, it may not wipe away their concerns or worries, but it can be a positive that will allow them to not live fully in fear. Fear is an important emotion, but we cannot stay in it or it will take over your life. Fear does not need to be what you are spreading within your home. You have a choice. Choose to spread kindness, love, joy, forgiveness, and grace.
We encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity. Use this time to build a foundation that will emerge out of this storm stronger than how it went in, and prepare you for the next storm life throws your way.
