Respect, Commitment & Endurance
Respect:
Demonstrating respect for others is a key aspect of any relationship.
In our relationship with our spouse, valuing them includes showing them respect. This looks like listening to them, asking for, and considering their opinions. It is acknowledging their differences as a human, and not thinking those differences make them deficient in some way. Respect is allowing them time and space to be themselves and to do things they enjoy or care about. It is speaking kindly, not in a condescending manner, even if they have made an error. Allowing disrespectful attitudes, words, tones, and behaviors into your relationship will prove corrosive over time. It will weaken your bond and your trust with your spouse.
Respect is a choice. It is a daily choice. I know common knowledge says respect must be earned, but I would argue that people who believe that are mixing up a person’s value in what they do, instead of holding that every person has inherent value. I can disagree with what choices someone makes and still treat them with respect as a human being. It takes maturity. It can mean swallowing your pride. We can and should allow another person to have their own perspectives, experiences, feelings, and beliefs; and not belittle or demean those.
Respect can have many meanings, and the way we show respect varies depending on the type of relationship. If you are like us and have been hurt before, perhaps even grievously, then you are likely thinking of that person who hurt you and thinking it is impossible to respect them. We understand how you feel. Respect is not easy. What I would say is that respect does not equal laying down and allowing others to trample you. Respect for others does not require disrespecting yourself or diminishing who you are.
In order to show respect for others, whether it is your spouse, your kids, or those who have hurt you very deeply and are no longer part of your daily life, you need to start with respecting yourself.
Far too many of us have a lack of self-respect. We put ourselves down in our own minds, and whether it is a mild dislike or a strong hateful loathing, it has to stop if we desire a close relationship with anyone. You cannot think poorly of yourself and expect to have the strength to respect those around you.
The first step towards changing how you think about yourself is to change how you talk about yourself. This starts with your internal dialog about who you are. You are not your mistakes, you are not your past, you are not what others say you are. You get to choose how you define yourself, and daily work to make yourself better.
Part of respecting yourself is also setting up boundaries for your life and holding those boundaries. We will do a post in the future about boundaries in your marriage and with step kids as it is incredibly important.
Respect in your marriage and family is taking the time to listen and value the thoughts, suggestions, requests, and feelings of your spouse and your kids or step kids. Giving them a voice in your life is one way that we show respect. You can show respect by thanking your spouse and your kids for their contributions and strengths. Respect requires being honest with each other, sometimes brutally honest, but coming from a loving place. Hard conversations can coexist with respect. Pay attention to your tone when communicating, if your words are saying “thank you” but your tone is one of disgust or resentment, it won’t build your relationship foundation. Instead, it will be like hitting it with a jackhammer.
Your kids and step kids need you to help them see what respect looks like, to see how they should treat others as they grow. You can demonstrate what that looks like for them. If you’ve come from a negative past relationship, or you know the kids see disrespect frequently at school or with their other parent, you can still be a model for them. I know that none of us want our children to grow up to be disrespectful to their own families, or thinking it is ok to be treated in a disrespectful manner. It also is important to allow them to do things for themselves to show your respect for who they are as individuals. Give them age-appropriate freedom with clearly communicated boundaries so that they can develop and grow.
Respect in your marriage, and with your kids and step kids will help foster a safe environment similar to what grace does. They work together.
“The way a conversation begins is the way it ends, 94% of the time.”
Dr. John Gottman
Commitment:
When you got married, you promised to your spouse you would stay with them through all of life’s struggles. But commitment goes beyond not giving up on your marriage. Full commitment to your spouse and your new family goes deeper than just sticking it out. It will be seeking to avoid temptation, surrounding yourself with those who will support your marriage and family, being dedicated and intentional about all the decisions you make that can affect your family and spouse. Commitment means full faithfulness. This means you have to make good decisions regarding the people you allow into your life as an individual and as a family. You have to be aware of your thoughts and maintain control of them, especially regarding individuals that could lead you away from your family and values.
This kind of commitment also involves you finding the time and avenues to get your needs met in all areas of life, and recognizing that it isn’t your spouse’s job or responsibility to meet all of them. Your spouse and your family cannot be the source from which you get your happiness, your worth, or your value. Your spouse can, and should, be a supporter and should speak life and love into you; but to expect them to be the source will only end in failure. We should seek to find common areas of interest with our spouse, like hobbies and activities to enjoy together; but we should still maintain friendships that allow us to explore other interests apart. However, your deep intimacy and vulnerability should be shared with your spouse.
Commitment will include working to improve yourself, grow and mature yourself, and heal your past emotional wounds. A commitment to a healthy marriage must include a commitment to constantly work on yourself. Sometimes, this may mean doing individual counseling to help work through past experiences. Other times, it may mean finding a mentor or a coach to help you professionally. Your spouse can encourage and help you on a growth journey, but they cannot and should not be the sole person you look to.
Another aspect of commitment will mean looking to the future together. This should look like dreaming together and developing long term plans for you and your family. It means making decisions together and not committing to things that will impact the family without first having a discussion about it. It is doing the little things that build trust from your family, like following through on the things you say you will do, and being present with them. When you are struggling as a committed couple, or even when simply needing fresh viewpoints and perspectives, it means seeking help, whether from a counselor or a life coach.
Showing a commitment to your spouse will set an example for your kids that they can learn from and follow. They will have an understanding of how a couple must work together to plan and work towards goals. They will see that commitment to the family means sometimes saying no to other desires. They will see how individuals make up a couple, and that growing as a person will positively impact the relationship. When you spend the time to make memories with all of the kids together, that commitment will build a bond between all members of the family. It will help the kids to feel safe and secure in this new relationship. It will help them to move past any fear that this relationship might also end when they see that you are committed to your new spouse and to the family.
Endurance:
Commitment and Endurance fit together. One without the other would not have the long-lasting effect we are each after. Endurance is sticking with things, and not giving up, moving at a pace you can maintain over time. Long-distance runners do not sprint the entire race, instead, they pace themselves. In our relationships, we must do the same. We have to continually evaluate our pace because we don’t have a set end time. Our pace needs regular checkups and adjustments to ensure we aren’t burning out, and that we haven’t stopped moving entirely. This can look like balancing our time to ensure that our work doesn’t take too much of us away from our families. It can also look like making sure to set time aside to be husband and wife, and not just focusing on only being mom and dad. It can be physical endurance as well as emotional endurance. This comes into play with the need to take care of ourselves, to make sure that our bodies and minds are not too overwhelmed with life.
Your kids and step kids will also need to practice endurance, with each other, and with you as a step-parent. They are not going to trust you immediately, they will likely push boundaries and challenge your resolve, your patience, and your commitment to them, and to their biological parent. You will need to endure those times while you build respect with them. Parenting is definitely a marathon. As one challenging phase with your children ends, a new equally difficult or even more difficult phase begins. It can feel like a hamster running on a wheel, especially when you are running out of ideas for how to parent your kids. As they push boundaries and test the waters, as all children do, our endurance is key. We cannot give up on our children, on making efforts to teach and grow them, or on our spouse as we navigate parenting together.
In closing:
These principles will only work if both spouses choose to continually make an intentional effort towards meeting the other’s needs and also choosing to work on themselves. You will both need to exhibit patience, grace, respect, commitment and endurance towards each other and your families. In a healthy relationship, both spouses should be working towards mutual goals. The most important mutual goal should be maintaining your relationship and connection with each other.
We understand that relationships are made up of two imperfect people, and that at times you and your spouse will fail at exhibiting these principles. When you fail, view it as a learning opportunity. Work through it with your spouse and/or with your kids remembering that experience is the greatest teacher. Show grace to yourself, ask for forgiveness when needed, and learn from it.
We also understand that your experience in previous relationships may have lacked some or all of these foundations. This may impact how long it takes for you to learn new patterns of behavior and to trust your new spouse. It can also affect how our children interact with us or their new step-parent. The learning process can be challenging and even painful. Please recognize that there is no magic pill, no simple step-by-step instructions; Every family and situation is unique. We hope that starting with a strong foundation will help weather the inevitable storms, and will give you the strength needed to push through the challenges ahead. It is our sincere hope that as you move forward in your new blended family, you will be able to find healing and growth as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.
“Marriage, like any other worthwhile activity, requires time and energy. It takes at least as much time to keep a marriage in shape as it does for a weight lifter to keep his body in shape.”
Dee W. Hadley
