When you blended your two separate family units into one, you hopefully spent some time before getting married to talk about things like rules, boundaries, and expectations. However, whether or not you did, you are likely going to face situations that you had not discussed in advance. In a family with children, life is unpredictable, and as a result, you will run into situations you did not see coming. Your past experiences, beliefs, and personal boundaries will affect what you think is the “right” response. Your spouse will also have a path they believe is the right one. Shockingly, those two will be different quite often. It is in those moments when a healthy relationship will see both parents evaluating their plan of action, and their spouse’s, before finding common ground together. The reality for many, however, is that you might be pressed for time and unable to confer first, and when you do discuss the situation there are often times when you feel challenged and your spouse doesn’t agree with you. We often respond by immediately defending our position or asserting dominance to ensure our choice becomes the path of action.
When we push and force our way, we might get what we want in the moment, but at what cost? The spouse who backs down will likely feel unimportant, as if their voice is not heard, and as if they are not going to be listened to in the future either. In this case, resentment will likely build up in that spouse. Everyone wants to feel like they have a voice. In a marriage it is especially important that both spouses feel like they can speak up and be heard. If the situation involves the kids directly, it can also cause rifts in how a parent feels their biological kids are being treated versus the other spouse’s kids. It can be extremely challenging to treat all of the children in the home with equity. This is a challenge even in a traditional family, and it can be even more difficult with a blended family.
After we got married and moved into our house together, we were faced with numerous situations where we didn’t originally agree on the way to handle things. Some of the things we didn’t agree on included dinner table habits and manners, where and how kids did their homework, and which kids would do which chores. We had a lot of things that we needed to find agreement on in order to move forward. We didn’t find common ground quickly for some things, which required conversation and decision-making.
While we were navigating these decisions, we had to evaluate several aspects outside of the final decision. We had to ask ourselves questions like, is this situation important enough that we need an immediate decision? Is this topic going to be something we need to discuss as a couple before informing the kids of the decision? Is this argument going to be something we will face again with other children and will set a precedent? And, is this hill worth dying on?
The underlying question for all of this was: is our relationship with our spouse or our kids worth more than this issue? Is the hair in the sink more important than our marriage? Are the missing assignments more important than the relationship with the child? Are the children’s consequences for misbehavior more important than our family unity? These things can and should be addressed. However, how you choose to approach them, how you choose to give your opinion, the weight you give to your own thoughts versus the differing viewpoint will affect the relationship. Do you want to be right, or do you want the relationship?
Synergy is better than my way or your way. It’s our way.
Stephen R. Covey
In our opinion, there are some things that are this important. This includes the safety of our kids and spouse and our spiritual beliefs. These are things that we will put a line in the sand over, and do all we can to hold that line. For most situations, they feel important in the moment but once we set those emotions aside, and we look at the situation from a logical standpoint, we can see things differently. That isn’t to say that the issue isn’t addressed at all! What it does mean is that we can take the time to come together to make a better thought out decision, and we can work towards a compromise rather than one party pushing what they want. It means we can seek counsel before determining a course of action. It means better harmony now and in the future.
When considering blending families and the art of parenting; this is typically the best scenario. Personally, we have had many conversations regarding evolving rules and expectations for the kids, and we do these behind closed doors. This allows us to present a united front to the children, rather than questioning the other parent’s authority in front of the kids. There have been times where one of us will pose a question to the other, at the dinner table when we are all eating, about something that involves the kids. It is quite acceptable to say something like, “I’d like to talk to you personally (alone) about that before I can make a decision.” This allows us to be united and keeps from one parent looking like the bad guy in the situation.
There can also be times that one parent makes a decision that in retrospect the other parent didn’t agree with, regarding bio-kids, step kids, or both. In this situation, I go back to my line in the sand: are the children safe? Does this go against my spiritual beliefs? As long as the answers to those questions are satisfactory, the next step is to have a conversation with your spouse about your own boundaries and expectations for these situations in the future. This will protect your current relationships with your kids and step-kids, your relationship with your spouse, and your spouse’s relationships with the kids.
You may have heard the phrase “agree to disagree.” There are some cases where this is the best that can be done. As long as your core values line up, your relationship can handle disagreements over certain topics. For us, we found a couple of topics of conversation that we do not agree on at all. We mutually decided that we can avoid discussing these topics and still have a healthy relationship filled with love. These topics are not part of our core values and they are not essential for parenting our children. This means we can agree to disagree without repercussions.
In the end, we choose to remind ourselves that our love for each other, our desire for a strong marriage, and for strong relationships with our kids is more important than the moment when we find disagreement. Sometimes this means needing to discuss it later and find a compromise and choosing not to discuss it while our emotions are in charge. Sometimes it means getting counsel and advice from someone outside our marriage. Sometimes it means laying down our pride and accepting the other person’s request. But it always means putting our marriage and our family above ourselves.
